“Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools...”
Ecclesiastes 7:9
Anger is quite the cross to bear. I know from experience, as I try to process through my hurt I’ve noticed that I’m angry. I’m angrier than the typical person. I try to blame my anger on my being a Jersey girl on top of being related to my dad mixed with my Gemini sign. But I cannot blame my anger on things that truly have no relevance. I’m angry because I’ve been hurt. I’m angry because my trust was broken. I’m angry because life seems to throw more at me than the typical person. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry at God. Why is this my cross to bear? Why does he think I’m strong enough to handle the constant beatings of life?
Growing up my life wasn’t perfect. I blame a lot of my insecurities on the lack of parenting and the lack of compassion I had from the people I loved. From birth it was a whirlwind of people wanting me and not wanting me, back and forth between family members. It had nothing to do with the baby I was, or even how I was growing up. It was the people around me. If I wasn’t convenient to the life they wanted to live, I needed to go. And in instances when I was tossed to the next person, I feel as if they used it to be able to get sainthood. Along the lines of like, well I let the poor child live with me, I must be a good person. I grew up craving the attention and love from my family and friends in ways that most people don’t. You hear most women who grew up craving attention have these ridiculous sex drives and look for love in the wrong places, like someone’s dick. I look for it in recognition, I’m constantly available for these people when they need me. They say jump, I ask how high?. These people don’t care about what’s happening in my life, they care about whether I can be there when they need it.
All the anger I’ve allowed in my heart because I’ve been hurt has made me a fool. A fools fool, if you will. I’ve allowed my past to dictate my future relationships. I’ve let people dictate my future because I want to keep them around.
As a part of my healing process I’m filling the guilt with an I do not care attitude. I cannot allow the people I’ve let run me to death, make me feel guilty when I say no. Saying no is an important part of healing. If you can say no, you can do anything. I can not control the things that the people I care about do, but I can control my surroundings. Sometimes we have to realize that despite our love for people, we don’t always need them. And it’s ok to just say no. Walk away. Don’t let hurt and anger continue to lead you into the fool you’re becoming.
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